Where I've Gone Wrong: A Resume Update

Well, gee, guess this is where I've been going wrong these past couple of years! Posted on Huffpost Comedy this week. Here I am with the professionally-written resume, two different versions even, and the painstakingly written cover letters. Week after week applying to want ads, hoping for a response.

It's mostly been like fly-fishing in the Dead Sea.

With the occasional bite from someone who is clearly just curious to meet me, but has no intention of actually offering me a job because I'm either slightly too inexperienced, or so overqualified they think I'll get bored. Or they have no intention of paying me with actual currency. Those are fun. How could you do this to people in a recession? Why get their hopes up at all? Just give it to me straight, will ya? Instead of the sick, twisted time-waster of a mangler you've just put me through. Or just don't call me. Trust me, you'd rather keep your anonymity in my grudge-ridden existence.

So to that end, for your pleasure, here is my updated resume. Don't think I won't use this.

OBJECTIVE

To finally be compensated for my talents and justify my lifestyle with less debt. And get some use out of those dress pants I bought "just in case" that I'd get too much cat hair on if I only wore them around the house.

PERSONAL ATTRIBUTES

• Talented daywalker considering the persistent insomnia.
• Able to multi-task as long as you don't keep coming at me with irrelevant details and let me get one thing done at a time.
• Strategic accessorizing with pinpoint accuracy.
• Can drink like Marion Ravenwood in Raiders of the Lost Ark, but shake off the hangover as long as I have access to coffee and bacon.
• Team player, especially when ordering takeout (often has own change).
• Proficent at Microsoft Office Suite with creative use of Excel, especially hidden data. I'm like the Witness Protection Plan for spreadsheets. They won't ever be found or harmed again.
• Guilt-tripping people in the banking and communications industries for instant credit.
• Uncanny ability to discuss Tudor History in accurate detail when I've forgotten something you've just told me or the two years of Spanish I've been trying to learn. 
• Total freak magnet.

EXPERIENCE

• To paraphrase my brother-once-removed, I have failed at more things than most people have tried.

EDUCATION

• Can still recite all of Jabberwocky after memorizing it in the sixth grade. 
• In addition, have managed to get this far in life with eight years of classical piano training, four years of tennis, did OK in public high school despite missing a lot of gym class, six years of non-conversational French, a Medieval History degree, a minor in writing, kick ass metalsmithing, labor-intensive enameling, easy-way-out bead stringing, Quark, a sommelier certification, an online cocktail training certification, completion of a course in food writing and am currently going for a graduate marketing certification. 
• Astounding avoidance of math, science or US History.

REFERENCE

• Here, have one of these business cards that was handed to me at an event last night.